The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 1 of 2)

ATTENTION: all happy couples, not-so-happy couples, and those who wish they were coupled!

Are you in a relationship?

Do you want to be?

Do you wish there was some way to tell if the sweet, juicy, possibly-worm-infested apple of your eye is The One?

If the answer is YES, you're in luck! Just in time for Valentine's day this year, I am releasing a fail-proof, all-inclusive, Relationships-For-Dummies test that can tell you — yes, YOU — if your current, potential, or imaginary relationship is headed for boatloads of bliss or doomed to dismal failure.

Discover the secrets of the amorous mind! Learn how to demonstrate your affections with directness AND subtlety! Determine exactly what you're looking for and how to find it! Identify compatible beauties and win their undying love and admiration!

All this and more for a tiny, miniscule, one-time, EXTREMELY low fee of...

Drum roll please:
dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada...

One wooden nickel and a Facebook "Like."*

Enjoy!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

PART 1. Mutual Attraction

The first step to finding a valentine is finding someone who likes you. Everyone has experienced the supreme suckitude of unrequited love. It's pointless to waste your life longing for someone who's always out of reach.

You will become a grouchy old bat who hates children. Don't do it!

To find out if somebody likes you we will use a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. Have you ever played the children's game Simon Says? It's probably an ancient mating ritual. Anyway, when people are in love they will mindlessly copy the other person without even realizing it. Because PSYCHOLOGY. And SCIENCE.** Thusly, the following test is scientific† and totally guaranteed.‡

Step 1: While sitting or standing in a position visible to your target, make a deliberate movement such as crossing your legs or extending your nose hairs.

Subtlety is key! The action needs to be something your victim could end up doing by accident. YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS, YO.

None of this, okay? YOU WILL FAIL AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT.

Step 2: Observe victim closely. VERY CLOSELY.

Scenario A: Victim copies your movement.

Success! You've already won their heart, you sexy thing, you.

But don't get your hopes too high! You still don't know if you are compatible. Come back later and learn the secret to a successful relationship in Part 2: Determining Compatibility.

Scenario B: Victim does nothing, does something else, or dies of boredom.

Sorry, they don't like you. Probably. ...Alright, we're only 99% sure.

To be absolutely certain, check your appearance. It's remotely possible that you have an enormous nose-pimple obscuring your face and your crush has mistaken you for a well-dressed mushroom.

This would be sort of adorable if you weren't missing half your face!

*Just kidding! You can keep that wooden nickel. But if you can spare a "Share," "Like," "Tweet" or "+1," that would be awesome. ♥

**The Author is not to be held liable for any resultant abuse of scientific principles.

†Not really scientific.

‡Guaranteed to be inaccurate, that is.

Click here to read Part 2: Determining Compatibility!
(It has TWELVE pictures, making it three times better than this post.)

Procrastination: A History

I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.

...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.

At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.

I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.

With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.

This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.

Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.

I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.

Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!

The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.

Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close I could taste it! (No wait. Eww.)

I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...

Peed ALL over them.

Naturally, these purple pants were invisible prior to removal.

I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.

She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.

This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."

The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.

Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.

Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!

Is that a pineapple in your wheelbarrow or are you just happy to see me?

If you aren't happy to see me, that's okay. I promise not to be too offended. You'll give me that pineapple as an apology, right?

(Pineapples are nearly equivalent with happiness anyway.)

Thank you to Jay at Happenings from an Undisclosed Location for suggesting this post's title! It makes about as much sense as a tsunami in a soup tureen, but it WORKS. And it helped me start writing again. Jubilations ensue!!!

I could say that I've been busy, and that would be true. I could also say it's why I haven't posted in forever, but that would... not be true.

It's sad and pathetic when you stop doing something you love for no justifiable reason, but that's pretty much what I did. :(

So much has happened since July! Crazy things, and busy things, and chaotic things, and fun things and some sad things, but also very happy things! Of the SPLENDIFEROUS variety.

(Also I totally kicked Calculus butt last semester.)

All in all my life looks a bit like this:

Follow the butterflies!

...and once again, I have caught the blogging bug.

And so, dear readers, this post will not be my last.

I won't say when my next post will be (because when IF I fail it will throw me into a second abyss of doom, guilt and procrastination) but it will happen. Hopefully it will be funny!

No promises. =P

P.S. A note of thanks to fellow bloggers ib and Gabi for saying that they liked my blog and wished I would post more often. I wish I posted more often too! Thanks for giving me the warm fuzzies. ^^

Everyone likes... BUTTS?

I know, right?

But look! I have the views to prove it:

Disregarding the time I tagged semi-famous people in Facebook photos and linked them to my blog, "Butts" is my most popular post ever. This is obviously a subtle hint at the big break that will one day make me internet-famous! *sarcasm hand* I need to use more shocking, mildly disturbing post titles.

Suggestions, anyone?

Bonus points if you can create a sensational title or headline using one of the following words/phrases!

• Pineapple
• Skadoosh
• Skittles (who doesn't love skittles?)
• Funkydiscombooblegum
• Thumb wars
• "How to destroy the perfect _____________"
• O.C.S.A.Y.D.
• Sleepophone
• Pocket Lint
• Angry potatoes

In other news...

Am I really that dull?
My blog stats have told me something. (I'm a stat-whisperer; it's like speaking Parseltongue but with more binary.) People frolic happily across my blog only to leave when they find my repulsively boring "About" page. I've got to do something about that — what do you guys want to know about me? (Nothing too stalkerish, kay? Kay.)

About those crazy things I draw:
FAQ has a NEW entry! (Where "NEW" is defined as "more recent than my last fossil of a post.") I'd like to introduce you all to the FAQmonster. He smells of ignorance and curiosity and has a body the texture of cornstarch mixed with pancake syrup. Please feed him, preferably before he eats any of my more questionable (see what I did there?) post drafts.

This is eerily appropriate...
The winning post idea on my reader's poll was "A History of Procrastination." Meanwhile, I disappeared for over three weeks. Haven't blogged; haven't read blogs; haven't commented on blogs. Mostly this was because I felt guilty about not posting on mine and it snowballed and now Google Reader has 579 647 678 unread items. But wait — I have excuses!

1. I started work. (My summer job involves getting exercise, presents and a major sock tan. JEALOUS, right?)
2. I became hopelessly addicted to Google+.
3. I got my driver's license! STAY OFF THE ROADS! Just kidding; I don't have a car! My parents went out of town and left me one for the week? WHAT? Ohmygosh. I can go anywhere! Run errands! Drive to work even though biking is faster! What should I do? o.O [Car remains parked in street, doing nothing.]
4. I'm a chronic procrastinator; deal with it.

I'm going to spend the next couple days reading blogs, keeping up with comments and stalking my readers and fellow bloggers on Google+. Then I'll get started on that historical procrastination anecdote. I can't promise it will be the next thing I post, but I will be working on it.

Don't forget to send me post titles! The crazier the better — I might write a whole post as an excuse to use it!

Of HTML and Blogger: Here Be Dragons.

The legendary Bloggogg and his devil-spawn

My experience with HTML is extremely limited. I like to figure things out, but this is my blog and it's mine and it's wonderful (to me) and I'M TERRIFIED OF MESSING IT UP REALLY BAD. I swear I've backed up my blog template a platypillion times.

Also, getting something to almost work drives me up a spider-covered volcano of incapacitating OCD-like frustration. I will work on it for days instead of writing new posts... (hem hem) and then I get behind and don't post anything for a week. Sorry. D=

But such was the process of trying to add sharing and Facebook "like" buttons to my blog.

Before I started this blog, my only knowledge of HTML was from grade 7 computers class when we created our own webpages and published them on the school's intranet. Mine looked like this... only worse, because instead of a cartoon the picture was a grainy scan of my student ID card.

Our teacher was wrong. Large paragraphs of centered text ooze of visual barf and eye-seizures. They're slightly worse than using two spaces after periods, but not quite as bad as publishing in a monospaced font like Courier New.

But I digress.

I discovered AddThis last week and wanted to add its fancy buttons to all my posts... so people could like them and share them and stalk them. *cough* But AddThis didn't want to co-operate and Blogger made things difficult.

Working with HTML was as bad as trying to edit an essay written in another language... but without the help of using Google translate.

I finally got everything to work. I may or may not have stayed up until 4 am.

There are two things I'm getting at here...

Firstly:

If you have a Blogger blog, want to do something like what I did (or anything seen on this blog actually) and happen to think I could be helpful for whatever crazy reason...

Go ahead and ask! I like helping! Also, emails make me happy.

I did this so you don't have to. I'm a hero!

Secondly:

See those ohh-so-shiny Facebook/Twitter/SiteThingy buttons? The colourful ones that sit tantalizingly at the top and bottom of every post? The ones that I spent HOURS and HOURS fiddling with to make sure they worked perfectly? Yeah.

A lot of keyboard sweat and eyestrain tears went into those and it would suck bagels if they all just sat there.