Jun 9, 2011

Taking Photos of Butts is Probably Illegal or Something

Especially a stranger's butt. I'm fairly sure that even considering it certifies me as a Grade A Creeper. (Do I get a badge for that?)

Tuesday evening I was minding my own business and heading home on city transit. We stopped at a station like any other, the doors opened, the doors closed, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Nothing, that is, until I became the unwilling bench-mate of this wardrobe-malfunctioning peacock.

Due to technical difficulty this image is an artist's rendition only.

I hold all pant owners who decline to cover their underwear in the highest disregard, but this degree of failure is a rare breed. Firstly, all his other clothing was neutrally-coloured. If the one splash of colour had been anything but underwear, I would have admired his sense of style. What ran through my mind instead was this:

Mister, did you PLAN on looking like a baboon when you dressed yourself this morning?

It was bad. I've tried to match the colour as accurately as possible, but something my drawing can't convey is how tight they were. I learned, in a glance, more than I ever wished to know about the thickness of the cloth. The very prominent seams were dangerously strained.

It's the new corset for buttocks! Can your butt even BREATHE?

Naturally, I chose to do what any writer would do after such an experience.

I am so going to blog about this.

Then it occurred to me that rants about the "style" of wearing one's trousers hung halfway to Hades were already way overdone. Hence:

I should take a PICTURE of his butt and blog about it!!!

Oh no.

I'm not sure how human decency allowed that thought into my conscious mind, but the idea stuck. I was determined to somehow get a picture of this butt without the guy noticing.

  • iPod? No good; it only does video and this picture needs to be high-quality.
  • Cell phone? Nope... It plays a recorded duck sound when taking pictures and I can't turn that off.
  • Camera! I still have it in my backpack from earlier today. YES.

I began forming a strategy. While I could probably get away with just holding a camera, taking one out only to point it at someone's butt would surely arouse suspicion. This was my plan:

  1. Inconspicuously obtain camera.
  2. Turn off flash and sound under the guise of looking through previous pictures.
  3. Take pictures of moderately disinteresting things through the train window.
  4. Lower camera and pretend to check settings while aiming at the offending butt.
  5. Hit that shutter button like a ninja!
  6. Check results; repeat if necessary.

With my scheming complete I rummaged through the contents of my backpack, shifting papers as quietly as possible. With each rustle and clatter of pencils I was sure I could feel Mr. Baboon's laser-eyes watching me, prepared to decapitate me with a glance. At last I located my camera. Carefully and casually I slid it up onto my lap.

Mr. Baboon looked directly at me.

I aimed the camera down, avoided all eye contact and deliberately gazed out the window. I held back a powerful urge to whistle.

Mr. Baboon turned away.

I slowly turned back to the camera to adjust its settings. Holding my breath, I discreetly slid the power switch to the "ON" position. Nothing.

THE BATTERY IS DEAD?!? D=

Even worse! The train began to slow down for the next stop and Mr. Baboon shifted his weight as if preparing to stand up.

He's going to LEAVE? Noooooo!

Shoving my good pal Secrecy off of the proverbial cliff, I dove for my notebook and threw it open to the first mostly-empty page. My pencil tore over the paper in a mad frenzy as I dashed to finish the obscene doodle as a reference for my future, erm...

"Work of art."

Hey look, it's a moustache!


If you need me I'll be at home, waiting for the Blog Police to show up and permanently revoke my maturity license.

11 comments:

  1. lol - awesome Ellen. Too bad you didn't get a photo though. Lloyd took a photo of someones butt at the montreal grand prix years ago. It was also a nasty wardrobe malfunction. Why people wear their underwear on top of their clothes are beyond me. I was at a restaurant last week where the hostess was wearing a black dress with an orange bra on top. I certainly hope this trend is not catching.

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  2. That butt's face :D
    That was quite an epic move, by the way.

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  3. Lol This was good. I don't like that 'pants down to the knees' trend either. Be happy he at least didn't go commando or this post might have been about nightmares of hairy evil moustache monkeys trying to kill you! Haha

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  4. I feel a connection with you now... as I have a really bad habit of taking pictures of people on the bus. I can't help it (most of the time). There was a lady who was clearly in her 50s reading Twilight! I *needed* that pic.

    Great illustrations :D

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  5. Have you ever had to walk up the stairs behind one of those guys who feels the need to expose their undergarments?

    Yeah, it's pretty awkward. *twitches*

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  6. @Merry and @Rachel:
    I'm so relieved knowing that I'm not alone in my disturbing shutter-happy weirdness!!! Hahaha I guess someone has to take the photos that end up on FAILblog, right? =D

    @Gabi:
    Haha thanks! XD I honestly have no idea where that came from, "I should draw a face on it!" What can I say? I'm weird.

    @InnocentlyGreen:
    @_@ As if the horrific blue butt imprinted in my mind wasn't enough imagery already... >.<

    @agchan:
    UGH yes. And on a (long) escalator? EVEN WORSE. D:

    Also UPDATE: no Blog Police visits so far... so maybe I'm in the clear. ¬.¬

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  7. Ahahaha, people like that aggravate me too.
    I mean seriously.
    COVER YOUR BUTT.

    And I think it's funny how you tried to take a picture of it. LOL.

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  8. Okay, the guys with butts showing are BAD. But you know what's worse? At my school, I recently saw some GIRLS walking around with their pants that low.
    What is our world coming to?

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  9. @Fiona:
    Ahahahahaha nk! Underwear has the word "under" in it for a reason. ;)

    @Flyergirl:
    I don't even... wow. Do they think their underwear is that fashionable? 'Cause really, I don't care how fancy the underwear is, it never looks good perched atop too-low pants. LOL.

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  10. Replies
    1. Thank you! I think this post is one of my personal best.

      Delete

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