Are you in a relationship?
Do you want to be?
Do you wish there was some way to tell if the sweet, juicy, possibly-worm-infested apple of your eye is The One?
If the answer is YES, you're in luck! Just in time for Valentine's day this year, I am releasing a fail-proof, all-inclusive, Relationships-For-Dummies test that can tell you — yes, YOU — if your current, potential, or imaginary relationship is headed for boatloads of bliss or doomed to dismal failure.
Discover the secrets of the amorous mind! Learn how to demonstrate your affections with directness AND subtlety! Determine exactly what you're looking for and how to find it! Identify compatible beauties and win their undying love and admiration!
All this and more for a tiny, miniscule, one-time, EXTREMELY low fee of...
Drum roll please:
dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada...
One wooden nickel and a Facebook "Like."*
Enjoy!
The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts
PART 1. Mutual Attraction
The first step to finding a valentine is finding someone who likes you. Everyone has experienced the supreme suckitude of unrequited love. It's pointless to waste your life longing for someone who's always out of reach.
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| You will become a grouchy old bat who hates children. Don't do it! |
To find out if somebody likes you we will use a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. Have you ever played the children's game Simon Says? It's probably an ancient mating ritual. Anyway, when people are in love they will mindlessly copy the other person without even realizing it. Because PSYCHOLOGY. And SCIENCE.** Thusly, the following test is scientific† and totally guaranteed.‡
Step 1: While sitting or standing in a position visible to your target, make a deliberate movement such as crossing your legs or extending your nose hairs.
Subtlety is key! The action needs to be something your victim could end up doing by accident. YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS, YO.
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| None of this, okay? YOU WILL FAIL AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. |
Step 2: Observe victim closely. VERY CLOSELY.
Scenario A: Victim copies your movement.
Success! You've already won their heart, you sexy thing, you.
But don't get your hopes too high! You still don't know if you are compatible. Come back later and learn the secret to a successful relationship in Part 2: Determining Compatibility.
Scenario B: Victim does nothing, does something else, or dies of boredom.
Sorry, they don't like you. Probably. ...Alright, we're only 99% sure.
To be absolutely certain, check your appearance. It's remotely possible that you have an enormous nose-pimple obscuring your face and your crush has mistaken you for a well-dressed mushroom.
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| This would be sort of adorable if you weren't missing half your face! |
*Just kidding! You can keep that wooden nickel. But if you can spare a "Share," "Like," "Tweet" or "+1," that would be awesome. ♥
**The Author is not to be held liable for any resultant abuse of scientific principles.
†Not really scientific.
‡Guaranteed to be inaccurate, that is.
Click here to read Part 2: Determining Compatibility!(It has TWELVE pictures, making it three times better than this post.)
