Jan 30, 2012

Procrastination: A History

I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.

...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.

At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.

I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.

With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.

This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.

Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.

I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.

Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!

The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.

Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close I could taste it! (No wait. Eww.)

I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...

Peed ALL over them.

Naturally, these purple pants were invisible prior to removal.

I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.

She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.

This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."

The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.

Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.

Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!

Jan 26, 2012

Is that a pineapple in your wheelbarrow or are you just happy to see me?

If you aren't happy to see me, that's okay. I promise not to be too offended. You'll give me that pineapple as an apology, right?

(Pineapples are nearly equivalent with happiness anyway.)

Thank you to Jay at Happenings from an Undisclosed Location for suggesting this post's title! It makes about as much sense as a tsunami in a soup tureen, but it WORKS. And it helped me start writing again. Jubilations ensue!!!

I could say that I've been busy, and that would be true. I could also say it's why I haven't posted in forever, but that would... not be true.

It's sad and pathetic when you stop doing something you love for no justifiable reason, but that's pretty much what I did. :(

So much has happened since July! Crazy things, and busy things, and chaotic things, and fun things and some sad things, but also very happy things! Of the SPLENDIFEROUS variety.

(Also I totally kicked Calculus butt last semester.)

All in all my life looks a bit like this:

Follow the butterflies!

...and once again, I have caught the blogging bug.

And so, dear readers, this post will not be my last.

I won't say when my next post will be (because when IF I fail it will throw me into a second abyss of doom, guilt and procrastination) but it will happen. Hopefully it will be funny!

No promises. =P

P.S. A note of thanks to fellow bloggers ib and Gabi for saying that they liked my blog and wished I would post more often. I wish I posted more often too! Thanks for giving me the warm fuzzies. ^^
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