The painfully realistic guide to looking FIVE* years younger - instantly!

Tried, tested and proven - enjoy!
*Results may vary.

Step 1: Don't wear makeup.

Step 2: Don't do anything with your hair.

Step 3: Squash a brightly-coloured bicycle helmet onto your frizzy head and pedal to the nearest public library.

Step 4: Sweatily attempt to renew your library card:

In other news, I turned 20 last week! YAY!


Do you look your age? Am I the only University student out there who gets mistaken for a pre-teen? (Please tell me I'm not.)

Food Wizardry on a Budget: How to Stock Your Shelves!

And now for something completely different... and unusually practical! School is starting up and many students are moving away from home, so I thought I would impart a little culinary wisdom.

So you've just moved into a new place... with an empty fridge and a thriving colony of dust-bunnies in the cupboards. You want to survive on more than Kraft Dinner while you're there, but what ingredients should you buy? The idea of stocking a pantry from scratch can be quite overwhelming, and the cost can be downright scary for a struggling student.

So what are your options?

You could plan all your meals in advance and buy only the ingredients needed for each recipe, but the cost (and time!) per meal at the outset can be discouraging, and extra ingredients might be left to sit unused until they spoil. Additionally, you lose the ability to create dinner on the spot from ingredients you have on hand.

A better idea is to acquire a pantry and fridge full of staples: basic ingredients that can be used to create most recipes, often without any unusual additions.

But what should you buy? If you get only a few general things, you might have difficulty finding recipes that work with the ingredients you have. If you try and get everything, it will be very expensive — and more likely than not, you’ll end up with many obscure ingredients you rarely or never use.

Never fear! I’ve compiled a list of 60 basic ingredients to jump-start your collection. These are the ones I use most frequently, and I can prepare an enormous selection of food using only what's listed below. While this list is not exhaustive or completely essential, it does provide a great starting point.


Herbs and Spices:

Garlic powder
Salt
Pepper
Basil
Oregano
Parsley
Dill weed
Paprika
Cayenne pepper
Chili powder
Cumin
Cinnamon
Ginger
Nutmeg

Herbs and spices are the crux of good cooking: they can easily make the difference between “edible” and “gourmet.” Although at several dollars for a tiny bottle they can seem expensive, remember that they last a long time. The best strategy is to select a few recipes to start with that use only a couple of spices. Buy only the ones you need, and add to your collection gradually. Soon you will have all of these and more, and you can start experimenting by adding new spices to your recipes! (One of my favourite pastimes.)

TIP: a little garlic powder, basil and oregano will make anything taste like pizza! Try adding them with tomato to a grilled cheese sandwich and see what you think.

Baking:

All-purpose flour
White sugar
Powdered sugar
Brown sugar
Cornstarch
Baking powder
Baking soda
Yeast (regular or instant)
Molasses
Vanilla extract

Even if you don’t plan on “baking,” you’ll need to have most of these on hand anyway. Flour and cornstarch are frequently used as thickeners in soups and sauces, and I am a firm believer that a teaspoon of sugar makes any recipe three times better. Besides, developing your baking skills alongside cooking is never a bad idea — few things are as satisfying as making your own fresh buns or biscuits from scratch.

Pantry Items:

Rice (or alternative)
Dried pasta
White vinegar
Balsamic vinegar
Vegetable oil
Olive oil
Broth or soup stock

Rice or pasta is the base for many filling meals. When it comes to selecting pasta, don’t feel that you need a box of every type. (Has anyone ever died from eating spaghetti sauce with fettuccini noodles?) So if you’re trying to keep things inexpensive, start with one “long” noodle (spaghetti or fettuccini) and one “fancy” noodle (rotini, penne or bow-tie are all great choices).

There are also many vinegars to choose from — balsamic, red wine, cider, and rice, to name a few — but once again, start with one or two. Plain white vinegar is fine for baking where its only use is in chemical reactions, but be sure to use a flavoured vinegar for dressings and sauces.

Canned Goods:

Crushed tomatoes
Tomato paste
Diced tomatoes
Mushrooms
Beans
Tuna
Other canned fruit and vegetables

Canned goods are great pantry staples thanks to their long shelf life and potent flavours. You’ll notice that tomatoes are on this list three times — they have more culinary uses than I can count! Likewise, tuna is one of the best canned meats and can be used so many ways: straight out of the can in salads or wraps, broiled in sandwiches, cooked in casseroles, and more. Pick a few of your favourites to add to this list. I never go without canned pineapples, my all-time favourite pizza topping.

Perishables and Produce:

Eggs
Milk
Bread
Butter
Cheese
Parmesan cheese
Sour cream
Onion
Garlic
Potatoes
Tomatoes
Frozen fruit and vegetables

These ingredients are easy! You probably keep many of these on hand anyway, even if you don’t consider yourself a cook. The tricky part is ensuring they don’t spoil, but they’re actually very easy to use up. Leftover potatoes and eggs can become scrambled eggs and hash browns, and many more of these ingredients can be added to sandwiches.

Onion and garlic are essential for numerous dishes, but be sure to pick out a few more fruits and veggies during each shopping trip. Even if you don’t cook something with them, you’ll eat healthier if you reach for them as snacks instead of carb-filled foods. Frozen fruit and vegetables are wonderful to have on hand – the veggies can be steamed, fried, or added to soups, and the fruit can be eaten with yogurt or cereal or in smoothies.

Condiments:

Mayonnaise
Mustard
Ketchup
Relish
Salsa
Soy sauce
Teriyaki sauce
Peanut butter
Lemon juice
Honey

Many cooks keep fresh lemons on hand for their juice, but I find that buying bottled lemon juice works fine in most cases. You can also use it to make killer lemonade — who needs cheap drink crystals?

Finally, a word of advice regarding condiments (and all other food items on this list, for that matter): if you know you don’t like it, don’t buy it! Yes, sometimes a food you dislike can add a wonderful flavour when used as part of a larger dish. (I’m looking at you, mushrooms!) But when starting out, your best shot at success lies in making foods with simple, standard ingredients you already know you like.

Good luck and happy cooking!

Have any kitchen tips or tricks of your own? Share them in the comments! :)

How to change your life forever: change what you think you are capable of.

I'd like to say that ALL OF YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.

Your messages of support for my crazy dream of flying to space have been overwhelming.

So many have told me that they believe in me, that they are telling everyone they know to vote and that they themselves are "voting the crap out of my page." (Many thanks to ABFTS for making me laugh really hard at that!)

But still others have written to thank me. Several people have told me how they or someone close to them are going through their own struggles with depression, anxiety, or both. They say my writing has helped, touched and inspired them.

I'm sorry for those of you who are still struggling. :( My heart is with you, and I only wish I could do something more to help. If I could, I would give you all an enormous hug.

And I am incredibly grateful. Because even if the ONLY thing I accomplished by entering this contest was to help someone, somewhere, just a little, it was totally worth it.

Knowing that I've helped people gives me an absolutely wonderful feeling inside. (I imagine it's similar to the feeling of visiting space. Probably even better!) =']

So where am I at? At time of writing my entry has received almost 1000 votes. This is way more than I anticipated and I am extremely touched. Out of over a THOUSAND entries, I am in the top sixty. This is incredible!

Is it enough to win by next Monday? I'll be honest: probably not. Am I going to give up? HECK NO.

So I'm setting a goal. A realistic goal, I think, but one that will require me to keep putting everything I have into this. That was my plan - all or nothing. I would love to make it into the top 20.

At time of writing, 5000 votes would put me there... but other people will be getting more votes too. Of course, since everyone can vote ten times a day, it's more like "500 votes." Right? =P

If you have a blog and want to support the cause, would you consider putting this button on your site? (Just for a week?) The code is all right here in the box; simply copy-paste it into an html widget. (The bottom image links to the voting page, and the top image links to the post where I explain it all.)

<a href="http://www.defenestratedfeet.com/2012/03/one-batcrap-crazy-girl-looking-up.html" target="_blank"><img alt="Help send a blogger to space!" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiivZ2hMLl980P3XPd-Hc8rr2Na1cxCfXmZSYYOV6t-gmx9t9hS807fpzZLBSg1-JDYIiZdXK811Et9Dsf_p-vNLA4Hw0HVWppmTQtPd_OowCDNJS8gXd7behnp5j_iPoeAMLVyRJJYs3qo/s1600/Help+send+a+blogger+to+space.jpg" title="Read my story"/></a><br /> <a href="http://metroinspace.com/ca/view/crr6/Remember_to_DREAM" target="_blank"><img alt="Click here to vote 10x daily!" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglQpfMcX6bvDErrCu9L0DbAb7x0pLiNEVyLUrQQ9CbH2i24lVdNKqhYlO5ligXHw8TSOY5QFcB_7_Ic7J7FwxSAke0_Rsykuq-pji2yd7BDBHu00WhAlQ5vdgpvRBx_9zG7CDV2lySvwFI/s1600/Click+here+and+vote.jpg" title="Vote here"/></a>

(If you do, THANK YOU FOREVER in advance! You are WONDERFUL!)

Win or lose, just entering this contest has already been the best decision I've made in a while. I already find myself looking at new challenges and opportunities differently. I have plans in the next month to pursue two new (slightly more realistic =P) goals despite how much they scare me. If I was capable of overcoming my doubts and entering this contest, well... how much more am I capable of?

A whole CRAPLOAD, that's what!

Thank you times a million to everyone who has supported me in this and who continues to support me. I'll keep bugging you for one more week. Just seven days! I'll post something of my more usual fare later this week. =)

♥ Lots of love,
Ellen

One Batcrap-Crazy Girl, Looking Up. (UPDATED)

One year ago, I was just beginning to recover from depression.

I've alluded to it, lightheartedly, in my first real post. But I haven't talked about it.

My freshman year of university was the lowest point in my life. Left reeling for months after the abrupt end of a turbulent relationship, I lost my main emotional support and "core membership" in the group of friends who had anchored me for six years. I frequently felt left out, excluded, and forgotten: an afterthought, if I was thought of at all.

A growing uncertainty in everything I once believed in took its toll. Feelings of inadequacy and failure were the norm... I saw myself giving up on so much without trying, and I felt even worse.

My own depression was not the worst of it. At the same time, a close family member was suffering from delusional mental illness. My family life was fraught with fear and paranoia, and the colossal chaos of it all was overwhelming.

I am grateful for some things. I was never suicidal. I had two friends who I could always turn to. I somehow managed to make it through my classes.

And with time came healing. Unexpected people helped in unexpected ways. Counselling sessions were abandoned, first because I found a job and later because I didn't need them anymore.

Life was looking up.

Around this time, I started writing my Bucket List.

This List is rather eclectic. To date I have accomplished a whopping three and a half items. But sandwiched between "hold a Harry Potter movie marathon" and "make it through university debt-free" is this:

37. Visit space and experience weightlessness
    (long shot, maybe, but I’d love to.)

I was fascinated by astronomy when I was younger (still am, in fact.) But this was ridiculous. Unrealistic. Just a crazy dream. Balderdash. Bullpoo. Batcrap. So why is it on my Bucket List?

It's there because if I could do absolutely anything, I'd want to do it.

So what do you do when you're presented with a chance... even the TINIEST SMALLEST chance... to make your craziest dreams come true? DUH. YOU TAKE IT.

Last week I discovered that Metro News International is holding a contest. The winner will be one of the first-ever civilians to experience spaceflight.

I nearly went into shock. I've been thinking about this almost constantly ever since, but I haven't told anyone.

I am paralyzed by fear of failure.

The regional finalists are determined by votes. If I had an enormous horde of loyal followers, maybe I'd stand a chance. But I'm not Allie Brosh. I'm not Jenny Lawson. I'm Ellen. Just Ellen, a girl who would rather give up without trying if I think I might fail.

It's sadly laughable. If this were some random iPad contest: "OMG-like-us-on-Facebook-for-a-one-in-a-million-chance-to-win!!1!!11!!!" I'd have entered, no problem.

When you are:
a) facing a contest for something that would really matter to you, and
b) sick to your stomach with anxiety whenever you think about entering

...sometimes you can't help but ask: "What is wrong with me?"

I have nothing to lose but my fear.

I've lost count of all the things I've been too shy, too scared, or too unsure to do. The worst of it was last year, but it's an ongoing trend. I'll get SUPER-excited about something, have second thoughts, doubts, and then decide to forget it entirely. I've had my fair share of times where I've tried something crazy and failed dismally, which doesn't help.

I want to change this, this view I have of myself and the limitations I continually self-impose. Why not now?

But I can't let myself pull off a half-arsed attempt and say: "Ha! There. I entered and no one voted for me; big surprise. So much for that crap!"

And that is why I am sharing this EVERYWHERE, starting now. Here on my blog, Facebook, twitter, and with all the friends and family I can reach. It will mean the world to me if you click here and vote for my submission.

UPDATED: You can actually vote TEN TIMES every day; please do! If you spread the word and tell other people to vote, that would be Even-MORE-Amazing.

(If you believe in me that much, well... I wish I could send you flowers!!! I'll think of something.)

The simplest things in the world are often the hardest to do.

Today's post is the toughest thing I have ever written. This sounds dumb, but it's true.

Will I publish it? There's still time. No one knows about this. I can forget it and move on with my practical life. That's what's comfortable, natural and perfectly reasonable... but empty.

Because sometimes it doesn't matter if your chances of success are one in seven hundred...

...or one in seven BILLION.

As cliché as is sounds, sometimes trying is the scariest part.

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 2 of 2)

What is the secret to a successful relationship?

Is it chocolate? Ice cream sundaes?

Laughing at each other's farts?

Is relationship compatibility something you can learn?

Learn all this and more in The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test: a fail-proof, fool-proof, EXPLOSION-proof guide to finding your soulmate. Read on to unravel the mysteries of Love and Romance!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!

Presented in Two Parts

(In Part 1: Mutual Attraction, we learned how to tell if the guy/gal you stalk daily that special someone likes you back! The techniques learned in Part 1 are crucially important, so read that first if you missed it.)

PART 2. Determining Compatibility

People are puzzle pieces: some of us fit together and some don't.

...No, not like that! Jeez people, I have kid siblings who read this blog. Keep it PG, yo. ANYWAY. I will now explain how to measure your relationship compatibility using a handy (hurr hurr) analysis called the Puzzle Test.

Step 1: Fold your hands together and interlace the fingers. Make a note of which thumb is on top.

The top one is your dominant thumb and your bottom thumb is submissive. (Yes, har har. Shut up.) As a rule of thumb, a dominant right thumb matches a submissive left thumb, and a dominant left thumb matches a submissive right thumb.

Try interlacing your fingers with the other one on top. (If you don't find this extremely uncomfortable, something is wrong with you.) Now imagine the love of your life squishing your fingers together in that awkward position... FOREVER.

NO. DO NOT WANT!

Step 2: While in the company of your special someone, deliberately fold your hands. As we discussed in Part 1, the person should instinctively copy your movement.

Step 3: Observe their folded hands and note the position of their thumbs relative to yours.

Scenario A: You and your S.O. match.

REJOICE, FOR THE FATES HAVE ALIGNED!

Cupcakes will fall from the sky! Penguins will serenade you with love songs! Sunsets will set with dazzling colours and clouds will form heart-shapes wherever you go! You will live happily ever after, have twenty children together, be reborn in the afterlife as unicorns and live happily ever after AGAIN.

(Enjoy hand-holding while you can, sucker! You can't even hold a hoof, so there!)

Scenario B: You and your S.O. are different.

Differing thumb preferences are entirely incompatible, and hand-holding will always be agony for one of you. Please join me in observing a moment of silence for your doomed relationship.

...
...
...

You have my heartfelt condolences.

What? You doubt my wisdom? It will never work, I tell you, and here is why:

Done properly, hand-holding is an enjoyable activity that gives everyone involved the warm fuzzies (or the sticky sweaties). It should not be difficult. Imagine yourself, now, with your special someone:

Rainbows shine from their nostrils and flowers sprout from their ears. They are beautiful! PERFECT! And — yes — THEY'RE WALKING THIS WAY. They flash you a dazzling smile and a sultry wink and you blink, blushing furiously. You look up to see them standing beside you, and as their fingers lovingly interlace with yours, your heart melts...

But alas, having your hand held contrary to its native thumb alignment is inter-digital agony. The torture leaves you unable to concentrate on anything... no, not even your partner's jewel-bright eyes or the melodic sound of their voice. You sit in silence, blood rushing through your ears, until you can bear it no longer.

Hesitant, you re-grasp their hand in an attempt to restore comfort. You hope that it might last a few minutes. Equality in hand-holding is a fundamental right! But all too soon, they "correct" your correction, putting you right back where you started.

This cycle might occur several times. Again and again they crush your hand and soul in blissful ignorance, and finally you give up. Your self esteem dies a slow, torturous death and you are never happy again.

PRO TIP: If you experience no problems when handholding but have not performed the Puzzle Test, beware! You may be doing the crushing!

Sometimes people with opposing thumb alignments are cursed with a double-share of selfish stubbornness. Hand-holding conflict increases exponentially and things get ugly VERY fast. Observe:

"Alright, we've done things her way for a while.
Time to switch things up here."

"Just WHAT does he think he's doing? Is the way
I hold hands not good enough for him?"

"Not again! Everything is ALWAYS about you, you, you;
it's high time I had MY needs met in this relationship!"

"What an insensitive JERK. I bet he doesn't truly love ME at all,
he only wants me for my hands!!! Misogynistic PIG."

The situation quickly escalates into a full-scale thumb war of total destruction! Both of you will perish in a kaleidoscopic explosion, leaving behind a small crater of angst and sadness.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Have you ever had an awkward hand-holding experience? Share your story in the comments! And remember, if reading this made you smile, please share the love by sharing this post. Thanks!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 1 of 2)

ATTENTION: all happy couples, not-so-happy couples, and those who wish they were coupled!

Are you in a relationship?

Do you want to be?

Do you wish there was some way to tell if the sweet, juicy, possibly-worm-infested apple of your eye is The One?

If the answer is YES, you're in luck! Just in time for Valentine's day this year, I am releasing a fail-proof, all-inclusive, Relationships-For-Dummies test that can tell you — yes, YOU — if your current, potential, or imaginary relationship is headed for boatloads of bliss or doomed to dismal failure.

Discover the secrets of the amorous mind! Learn how to demonstrate your affections with directness AND subtlety! Determine exactly what you're looking for and how to find it! Identify compatible beauties and win their undying love and admiration!

All this and more for a tiny, miniscule, one-time, EXTREMELY low fee of...

Drum roll please:
dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada...

One wooden nickel and a Facebook "Like."*

Enjoy!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

PART 1. Mutual Attraction

The first step to finding a valentine is finding someone who likes you. Everyone has experienced the supreme suckitude of unrequited love. It's pointless to waste your life longing for someone who's always out of reach.

You will become a grouchy old bat who hates children. Don't do it!

To find out if somebody likes you we will use a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. Have you ever played the children's game Simon Says? It's probably an ancient mating ritual. Anyway, when people are in love they will mindlessly copy the other person without even realizing it. Because PSYCHOLOGY. And SCIENCE.** Thusly, the following test is scientific† and totally guaranteed.‡

Step 1: While sitting or standing in a position visible to your target, make a deliberate movement such as crossing your legs or extending your nose hairs.

Subtlety is key! The action needs to be something your victim could end up doing by accident. YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS, YO.

None of this, okay? YOU WILL FAIL AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT.

Step 2: Observe victim closely. VERY CLOSELY.

Scenario A: Victim copies your movement.

Success! You've already won their heart, you sexy thing, you.

But don't get your hopes too high! You still don't know if you are compatible. Come back later and learn the secret to a successful relationship in Part 2: Determining Compatibility.

Scenario B: Victim does nothing, does something else, or dies of boredom.

Sorry, they don't like you. Probably. ...Alright, we're only 99% sure.

To be absolutely certain, check your appearance. It's remotely possible that you have an enormous nose-pimple obscuring your face and your crush has mistaken you for a well-dressed mushroom.

This would be sort of adorable if you weren't missing half your face!

*Just kidding! You can keep that wooden nickel. But if you can spare a "Share," "Like," "Tweet" or "+1," that would be awesome. ♥

**The Author is not to be held liable for any resultant abuse of scientific principles.

†Not really scientific.

‡Guaranteed to be inaccurate, that is.

Click here to read Part 2: Determining Compatibility!
(It has TWELVE pictures, making it three times better than this post.)

Procrastination: A History

I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.

...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.

At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.

I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.

With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.

This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.

Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.

I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.

Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!

The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.

Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close I could taste it! (No wait. Eww.)

I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...

Peed ALL over them.

Naturally, these purple pants were invisible prior to removal.

I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.

She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.

This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."

The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.

Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.

Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!

This is my brain on FAILURE.

The following events happened on Friday May 13th, but I have no need of bad luck. Nope... everything here can be properly accredited to my own stupidity.

One sunny Friday last month I decided to install new fenders on my bike. All I had to do was unscrew the broken parts and put on new ones. What could go wrong? I found a wrench and screwdriver and set to work.

Four bolts, two screws, three washers and four nuts later, the last screw remained completely blocked by the back wheel.

A glass of lemonade, two nuts, three washers and a kickstand later, the back wheel was still trapped inside the brakes.

After wrestling the back wheel out from the chain I took the front wheel off too. This made sense at the time, I'm sure....

As I stopped to look around me I realized that my plan to keep track of parts as I took them off had FALLEN TO PIECES (hurr hurr). Pieces of bicycle were strewn all about the lawn. Washers and nuts were scattered throughout a forest of grass blades. The chain had snotted grit-filled grease all over my hands and to top it all off, somehow the last of my lemonade had tipped over.

I no longer knew which parts went where and I began to panic. My brain went into overdrive to try and sort through the kaleidoscope of pieces. Bike? What bike?

This is practically a genuine scientific drawing. Of my brain. Yep.

Dejected, I plopped myself down on the grass to collect myself and contemplate my failure.

Becky, the wife and mother of two who lives upstairs from my apartment, passed through the backyard and saw me sitting in the grass amidst my frustrating dismantled heap of a bike.

"Ellen, you're so handy!" she said.

I died a little inside.

I'm sure Becky thought my small mountain of dismembered-bicycle chaos was somehow impeccably organized inside my brain. I knew otherwise, and the cosmic void separating her perception and my reality was depressing.

I wish.

After a long break I finally got down to business to defeat the huns put my bike back together. I still had a whole pile of leftover hardware, but somehow I managed to reattach all the important parts into something resembling a bicycle.

Boy, was I proud of myself! I felt capable, even self-congratulatory.

This was a mistake. [Obligatory hat-tip to Hyperbole and a Half]

Now feeling like the self-appointed master of all things cycling, I decided that just putting the bike together wasn't enough. No, I had to fine-tune this beast into a [Tow Mater voice:] precision instrument of speed and aromatics!

The first thing to do was to loosen up my seized brakes. What could I use to lubricate them? I ransacked the garage and found a can of WD-40. Yay! That stuff is supposed to work on everything from evil zippers to spastic lawnmowers, right?

After squeezing some WD-40 around the joints I tested out the brake arms. I didn't notice much improvement... that was weird. So I added more, but the brakes acted like they were trapped in a slow-motion freeze-ray. When I finally couldn't move them at all, pebbles of doubt began to ripple through my mind.

I was the sorcerer of all things cyclic and surely my bike was the problem... but I decided to look it up anyway.

***

***

***

***

***

The following is a list of things that did not happen:

• I didn't die
• I didn't damage my bike... permanently
• I didn't try to ride my WD-40-soiled bike and get pitched off of a cliff
• I didn't take the can of WD-40 and actually... no. Just no.

So really, it could have been worse. And I DID fix my bike... eventually.

Shoosh yeah!!!