Nov 7, 2012

Page Statistics are Cocaine for Bloggers

Watching your blog's visitor stats is EXTREMELY addicting.

And it's most addictive in small doses. When I first started blogging I would compulsively check my stats more frequently than I checked Facebook, Twitter and Gmail combined. Not a single pageview escaped my hungry, all-seeing gaze!

When I realized that 80% of these views were actually my own, it was a letdown. But I soon discovered how to block my own pageviews with a cookie, and the addiction continued:

"Oooh! Two people clicked on my facebook link!"

"Wow, a visit from India!"

"Another one from BC! Grandma got my email!"

Even worse is the crash after the high (we've all been there):

"WAHHHHH no one at all has visited my blog in 5 hours! Nobody loves me! I suck at writing!" 
[Looks at pictures of fish for inspiration; ODs on pirogies and skittles]

I'm trying to learn moderation in my addiction. There's been some improvement as more people read my blog and their visits are more equally spread out. I imagine that very VERY popular blog owners must look at their stats and react like this:

"Huh. I got a billion thousand hits this past month. That is a *punches calculator* 5.29% increase over last month. Perhaps my post about disappearing bearsharktopus habitat was moderately interesting after all."

One thing still leaves me very curious.

There are many unknown visitors who have viewed my site at least 10 times. Most of them come here from Facebook. This means I know them.

They come, they read, but they never comment. And it leaves me confused and mentally yelling: "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???"

Introducing:
LURKERS of DEFENESTRATED FEET*



A tutorial for these wanted posters can be found here, if you're interested.

And now I worry that I've scared them all away...

If you are a seasoned blogger, you're probably familiar with the wonders of statcounter.com and marvel that anyone might be blogging along blindly without it. You couldn't live without the details of IP addresses and commenting habits of your visitors so as to cyberstalk them more efficiently.

If you are an unaware or new blogger you may ask: "You mean I can see exactly who clicks my pages, and when, and in what order, and their screen resolution and operating system and city and country and internet browser? WHAAAT?" Yes, you can. Get thee to the statcounter! (They should totally pay me for this glowing endorsement, yo.)

If you are not a blogger and do not own a website, you're probably OH MY NOODLES freaking out right now. As you read these words you may be naively starting up a virus and malware scan. It's not enough. Paralysed by the thought of identity theft, you will resolve to incinerate your computer, flashdrives, and iPhone. You will cancel all your credit cards and leave the country. The rest of your internet life will be spent trainhopping through Europe, visiting a new internet cafe each day and hiding behind multiple IP proxy servers.

Or at the very least, you will disable all cookies. (But that will only inflate my statistics to ridiculous highs. And then my head will explode, and nobody wants to see the mess that would make.)

The best solution by far is to somehow make this blog famous overnight! Your visits will be lost in a sea of traffic and my logs will only go back 30 minutes because a 500-entry log is free and I'm too poor to justify paying money for the privilege of being creepy.

I win. You win. Everybody wins! (But mostly me.)

*If you ARE one of the people who come here looking for pictures of butts, shame on you! But the info here is (mostly) fake.

14 comments:

  1. You're right, stat watching is a bottomless pit that we all end up falling into, never to be seen again. The amount of time I spend on google analytics is, quite frankly, shameful!

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    Replies
    1. I know! That time could be so much more productive if it was spent blogging, or at least reading/commenting on other blogs. Alas, I cannot resist. =[

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  2. Calm down lil Gf^^ Don´t worry so much about stats and site popularity. Just keep having fun and keep on doin your own thing. ; )

    Relax, continue to be you, natural, unique quirky, funny and pretty darn clever!)

    Best thing you can do, is love what you do. Hugs from Españia xox

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    1. Pffft, don't worry, I don't take it seriously... honestly so long as I write posts consistently the stats take care of themselves. =) Gotta remember this is a humour blog auntie, I've been known to exaggerate on occasion! =P

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  3. Lurk. Lurk lurk lurk, lurk lurk lurk Lurk.

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    1. Helloooo Sam! How nice of you to let me finally tag your IP address! I MEAN *COUGH* IAMNOTASTALKER.

      =P

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  4. Now I half want to google "pictures of butt with pants" just to see if I can find that blog post XD

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    Replies
    1. Within the past two weeks, I have been found as the #1 Google result for the following search queries:

      analyzing hand holding
      take photos of butts
      illegal girls feet photos
      two part couples compatibility test

      Other honourable mentions include:

      butt moustache
      ninja grapefruit
      "I peed in my pants" "couldn't hold it"
      defenestrated spouse blog (yikes!)

      Note: I can't guarantee repeated results for any of these because of a) the fluctuation of Google rankings and b) variation due to personalized Google search.

      Delete
  5. At least now you know where the visits from Spain come from. Dianne and me love what you write (I also plead guilty of lurking until now).

    I may not check every day, though. I understand it is a lot of work to keep a blog, and most people don't have the time to update it every day. The only blog I visit that does that is Pharyngula, and I honestly have no clue how Professor Myers does it. He is supposed to be researching evolution in zebrafish, teaching biology classes and giving conferences all over the place. I wonder if he ever sleeps.

    Your blog has new and interesting stuff quite often, but what really matters is not so much how many people read and comment, but how much fun you have sharing your thoughts with us. Enjoy yourself and keep writing. The more you enjoy what you do, the better it will be for everyone, including those of us who read you now and then, and keep a... well... let's call it a respectful silence.

    The word "lurking" is such an ugly one!

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    Replies
    1. Oooh I knew very well who has been visiting from Spain! =P Perhaps you underestimate my stalking skills? Mwahahaha!

      Heehee thanks for reading. =]

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  6. My favorite is when we get a huge spike, and then we look at the referring pages... another 200 views for people searching 'huge boobs.' Whatever. It totally still counts, dammit.

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  7. I have OCD and my stat-checking is beyond crazy. Oh it's been five seconds. I should check my stats again, just in case, then again five seconds later. Truly ridiculous.

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  8. You are awesome! I just added the StatCounter to my blog and can't wait to check in....about....now! Nothing yet....damn it! Anyway, I came across your blog on Allie Brosh's FB page and thought I'd check it out! Love it!

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  9. There are some internet gems, and your blog is one of them. That drawing of ants on Amazon.com is how I got here. :)

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