Nov 7, 2012

Page Statistics are Cocaine for Bloggers

Watching your blog's visitor stats is EXTREMELY addicting.

And it's most addictive in small doses. When I first started blogging I would compulsively check my stats more frequently than I checked Facebook, Twitter and Gmail combined. Not a single pageview escaped my hungry, all-seeing gaze!

When I realized that 80% of these views were actually my own, it was a letdown. But I soon discovered how to block my own pageviews with a cookie, and the addiction continued:

"Oooh! Two people clicked on my facebook link!"

"Wow, a visit from India!"

"Another one from BC! Grandma got my email!"

Even worse is the crash after the high (we've all been there):

"WAHHHHH no one at all has visited my blog in 5 hours! Nobody loves me! I suck at writing!" 
[Looks at pictures of fish for inspiration; ODs on pirogies and skittles]

I'm trying to learn moderation in my addiction. There's been some improvement as more people read my blog and their visits are more equally spread out. I imagine that very VERY popular blog owners must look at their stats and react like this:

"Huh. I got a billion thousand hits this past month. That is a *punches calculator* 5.29% increase over last month. Perhaps my post about disappearing bearsharktopus habitat was moderately interesting after all."

One thing still leaves me very curious.

There are many unknown visitors who have viewed my site at least 10 times. Most of them come here from Facebook. This means I know them.

They come, they read, but they never comment. And it leaves me confused and mentally yelling: "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???"


A tutorial for these wanted posters can be found here, if you're interested.

And now I worry that I've scared them all away...

If you are a seasoned blogger, you're probably familiar with the wonders of and marvel that anyone might be blogging along blindly without it. You couldn't live without the details of IP addresses and commenting habits of your visitors so as to cyberstalk them more efficiently.

If you are an unaware or new blogger you may ask: "You mean I can see exactly who clicks my pages, and when, and in what order, and their screen resolution and operating system and city and country and internet browser? WHAAAT?" Yes, you can. Get thee to the statcounter! (They should totally pay me for this glowing endorsement, yo.)

If you are not a blogger and do not own a website, you're probably OH MY NOODLES freaking out right now. As you read these words you may be naively starting up a virus and malware scan. It's not enough. Paralysed by the thought of identity theft, you will resolve to incinerate your computer, flashdrives, and iPhone. You will cancel all your credit cards and leave the country. The rest of your internet life will be spent trainhopping through Europe, visiting a new internet cafe each day and hiding behind multiple IP proxy servers.

Or at the very least, you will disable all cookies. (But that will only inflate my statistics to ridiculous highs. And then my head will explode, and nobody wants to see the mess that would make.)

The best solution by far is to somehow make this blog famous overnight! Your visits will be lost in a sea of traffic and my logs will only go back 30 minutes because a 500-entry log is free and I'm too poor to justify paying money for the privilege of being creepy.

I win. You win. Everybody wins! (But mostly me.)

*If you ARE one of the people who come here looking for pictures of butts, shame on you! But the info here is (mostly) fake.

Oct 23, 2012

Behind the Scenes: Defenestrated Drawings

Up until now my illustration process has been extremely tedious. My pictures may not look like much, but I put HOURS of effort into those things. The post from last week with ten pictures in it? At least ten, maybe twenty hours to write and draw, easy.

So what is my drawing process, anyway?

I thought you'd never ask!

1) First I pencil-sketch everything in no-copy blue. Sometimes I'll photocopy it to have more than one original to work with.
2) Then I ink over it with felt-tip pen.

3) I scan it in, adjust the colour levels, and fix pen mistakes. I do all my digital work in GIMP, which you can download for free.
4) The colouring begins! Depending on complexity and depth, this can take 15 minutes... or up to two hours, like in this case.

5) Sometimes I add a background. This picture was pretty fancy, so the background took upwards of a half hour.
6) The finished work of art! Take a closer look and read the related blog post here.

But guess what?

I got a tablet! (Not the iPad type, no. A graphics tablet.)

Behold: the Wacom Bamboo Pen and Touch! I found this one second-hand on Kijiji for $50, which is a sweet deal at only half the price of the newer, more stylish model.

On the other hand, this one has features that even the new one doesn't (specifically, an eraser on the stylus).

Wacom Bamboo Pen and Touch CTH-460

The verdict: I am IN LOVE with how natural and intuitive it feels to use this thing. The response is great and the pressure sensitivity has so much potential! It's fun to play with and loads better than a trackpad. I even find myself reaching for it instead of my mouse...

And THIS is my first fish-person drawing done entirely on the tablet! Hmmm... I need more practice. XD

Jubilations ensue!

I still have 3 or 4 upcoming posts illustrated in the traditional method, but these will phase out as I start using my tablet.

With any luck, this new gadget will mean more drawings for you and also more sleep for me! Woo-hoo!

So what about the rest of you? Artists, cartoonists, and casual doodlers — what do you draw with?

A graphics tablet?
Tablet computer?
Camera? (Yes, that totally counts!)
Ordinary pens?
Or a trackpad? (Yuck!)

Oct 9, 2012

The painfully realistic guide to looking FIVE* years younger - instantly!

Tried, tested and proven - enjoy!
*Results may vary.

Step 1: Don't wear makeup.

Step 2: Don't do anything with your hair.

Step 3: Squash a brightly-coloured bicycle helmet onto your frizzy head and pedal to the nearest public library.

Step 4: Sweatily attempt to renew your library card:

In other news, I turned 20 last week! YAY!

Do you look your age? Am I the only University student out there who gets mistaken for a pre-teen? (Please tell me I'm not.)

Sep 24, 2012

Amazon Illustrated: Giant Mutant Ants!

The Internet is a very strange place. Take a serious look around and you will find no shortage of flame wars, porn, rage comics, atrocious grammar, porn, advertising, porn, and forums and communities built around every bizzare topic imaginable.

But once in a while, people on the Internet come together just to have fun. And sometimes such a thing can grow a mind of its own and become bigger than any of the contributors... and it can be downright hilarious.

This is one of those times.

Allow me to present this tin of Uranium Ore available on for the low price of $49.95 USD! (Plus shipping.)

Yes, this is a REAL product.

Let's see what reviewers have to say about it, shall we?


247 of 260 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Movies Lie
This review is from: Uranium Ore
Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldnt lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat.

Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and Im coughing up blood, whats up with that?



9,068 of 9,225 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars
Great Product, Poor Packaging
This review is from: Uranium Ore
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.


2,924 of 3,047 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars
Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants...
By Nero Goldstein "Bemused by a Muse" (The Great Nation of Texas) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Uranium Ore
Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away..

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.


I pulled out some of the best, but there are literally hundreds of these reviews. Want more? Here you go!

Funny and sarcastic reviews can be found all over Do you have another example I should try illustrating? Link me up in the comments! If I use your suggestion, I'll link back to your blog or website in the post. =)

Sep 10, 2012

Food Wizardry on a Budget: How to Stock Your Shelves!

And now for something completely different... and unusually practical! School is starting up and many students are moving away from home, so I thought I would impart a little culinary wisdom.

So you've just moved into a new place... with an empty fridge and a thriving colony of dust-bunnies in the cupboards. You want to survive on more than Kraft Dinner while you're there, but what ingredients should you buy? The idea of stocking a pantry from scratch can be quite overwhelming, and the cost can be downright scary for a struggling student.

So what are your options?

You could plan all your meals in advance and buy only the ingredients needed for each recipe, but the cost (and time!) per meal at the outset can be discouraging, and extra ingredients might be left to sit unused until they spoil. Additionally, you lose the ability to create dinner on the spot from ingredients you have on hand.

A better idea is to acquire a pantry and fridge full of staples: basic ingredients that can be used to create most recipes, often without any unusual additions.

But what should you buy? If you get only a few general things, you might have difficulty finding recipes that work with the ingredients you have. If you try and get everything, it will be very expensive — and more likely than not, you’ll end up with many obscure ingredients you rarely or never use.

Never fear! I’ve compiled a list of 60 basic ingredients to jump-start your collection. These are the ones I use most frequently, and I can prepare an enormous selection of food using only what's listed below. While this list is not exhaustive or completely essential, it does provide a great starting point.

Herbs and Spices:

Garlic powder
Dill weed
Cayenne pepper
Chili powder

Herbs and spices are the crux of good cooking: they can easily make the difference between “edible” and “gourmet.” Although at several dollars for a tiny bottle they can seem expensive, remember that they last a long time. The best strategy is to select a few recipes to start with that use only a couple of spices. Buy only the ones you need, and add to your collection gradually. Soon you will have all of these and more, and you can start experimenting by adding new spices to your recipes! (One of my favourite pastimes.)

TIP: a little garlic powder, basil and oregano will make anything taste like pizza! Try adding them with tomato to a grilled cheese sandwich and see what you think.


All-purpose flour
White sugar
Powdered sugar
Brown sugar
Baking powder
Baking soda
Yeast (regular or instant)
Vanilla extract

Even if you don’t plan on “baking,” you’ll need to have most of these on hand anyway. Flour and cornstarch are frequently used as thickeners in soups and sauces, and I am a firm believer that a teaspoon of sugar makes any recipe three times better. Besides, developing your baking skills alongside cooking is never a bad idea — few things are as satisfying as making your own fresh buns or biscuits from scratch.

Pantry Items:

Rice (or alternative)
Dried pasta
White vinegar
Balsamic vinegar
Vegetable oil
Olive oil
Broth or soup stock

Rice or pasta is the base for many filling meals. When it comes to selecting pasta, don’t feel that you need a box of every type. (Has anyone ever died from eating spaghetti sauce with fettuccini noodles?) So if you’re trying to keep things inexpensive, start with one “long” noodle (spaghetti or fettuccini) and one “fancy” noodle (rotini, penne or bow-tie are all great choices).

There are also many vinegars to choose from — balsamic, red wine, cider, and rice, to name a few — but once again, start with one or two. Plain white vinegar is fine for baking where its only use is in chemical reactions, but be sure to use a flavoured vinegar for dressings and sauces.

Canned Goods:

Crushed tomatoes
Tomato paste
Diced tomatoes
Other canned fruit and vegetables

Canned goods are great pantry staples thanks to their long shelf life and potent flavours. You’ll notice that tomatoes are on this list three times — they have more culinary uses than I can count! Likewise, tuna is one of the best canned meats and can be used so many ways: straight out of the can in salads or wraps, broiled in sandwiches, cooked in casseroles, and more. Pick a few of your favourites to add to this list. I never go without canned pineapples, my all-time favourite pizza topping.

Perishables and Produce:

Parmesan cheese
Sour cream
Frozen fruit and vegetables

These ingredients are easy! You probably keep many of these on hand anyway, even if you don’t consider yourself a cook. The tricky part is ensuring they don’t spoil, but they’re actually very easy to use up. Leftover potatoes and eggs can become scrambled eggs and hash browns, and many more of these ingredients can be added to sandwiches.

Onion and garlic are essential for numerous dishes, but be sure to pick out a few more fruits and veggies during each shopping trip. Even if you don’t cook something with them, you’ll eat healthier if you reach for them as snacks instead of carb-filled foods. Frozen fruit and vegetables are wonderful to have on hand – the veggies can be steamed, fried, or added to soups, and the fruit can be eaten with yogurt or cereal or in smoothies.


Soy sauce
Teriyaki sauce
Peanut butter
Lemon juice

Many cooks keep fresh lemons on hand for their juice, but I find that buying bottled lemon juice works fine in most cases. You can also use it to make killer lemonade — who needs cheap drink crystals?

Finally, a word of advice regarding condiments (and all other food items on this list, for that matter): if you know you don’t like it, don’t buy it! Yes, sometimes a food you dislike can add a wonderful flavour when used as part of a larger dish. (I’m looking at you, mushrooms!) But when starting out, your best shot at success lies in making foods with simple, standard ingredients you already know you like.

Good luck and happy cooking!

Have any kitchen tips or tricks of your own? Share them in the comments! :)

Mar 19, 2012

How to change your life forever: change what you think you are capable of.

I'd like to say that ALL OF YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.

Your messages of support for my crazy dream of flying to space have been overwhelming.

So many have told me that they believe in me, that they are telling everyone they know to vote and that they themselves are "voting the crap out of my page." (Many thanks to ABFTS for making me laugh really hard at that!)

But still others have written to thank me. Several people have told me how they or someone close to them are going through their own struggles with depression, anxiety, or both. They say my writing has helped, touched and inspired them.

I'm sorry for those of you who are still struggling. :( My heart is with you, and I only wish I could do something more to help. If I could, I would give you all an enormous hug.

And I am incredibly grateful. Because even if the ONLY thing I accomplished by entering this contest was to help someone, somewhere, just a little, it was totally worth it.

Knowing that I've helped people gives me an absolutely wonderful feeling inside. (I imagine it's similar to the feeling of visiting space. Probably even better!) =']

So where am I at? At time of writing my entry has received almost 1000 votes. This is way more than I anticipated and I am extremely touched. Out of over a THOUSAND entries, I am in the top sixty. This is incredible!

Is it enough to win by next Monday? I'll be honest: probably not. Am I going to give up? HECK NO.

So I'm setting a goal. A realistic goal, I think, but one that will require me to keep putting everything I have into this. That was my plan - all or nothing. I would love to make it into the top 20.

At time of writing, 5000 votes would put me there... but other people will be getting more votes too. Of course, since everyone can vote ten times a day, it's more like "500 votes." Right? =P

If you have a blog and want to support the cause, would you consider putting this button on your site? (Just for a week?) The code is all right here in the box; simply copy-paste it into an html widget. (The bottom image links to the voting page, and the top image links to the post where I explain it all.)

Help send a blogger to space!
Click here to vote 10x daily!

(If you do, THANK YOU FOREVER in advance! You are WONDERFUL!)

Win or lose, just entering this contest has already been the best decision I've made in a while. I already find myself looking at new challenges and opportunities differently. I have plans in the next month to pursue two new (slightly more realistic =P) goals despite how much they scare me. If I was capable of overcoming my doubts and entering this contest, well... how much more am I capable of?

A whole CRAPLOAD, that's what!

Thank you times a million to everyone who has supported me in this and who continues to support me. I'll keep bugging you for one more week. Just seven days! I'll post something of my more usual fare later this week. =)

Lots of love,

Mar 15, 2012

One Batcrap-Crazy Girl, Looking Up. (UPDATED)

One year ago, I was just beginning to recover from depression.

I've alluded to it, lightheartedly, in my first real post. But I haven't talked about it.

My freshman year of university was the lowest point in my life. Left reeling for months after the abrupt end of a turbulent relationship, I lost my main emotional support and "core membership" in the group of friends who had anchored me for six years. I frequently felt left out, excluded, and forgotten: an afterthought, if I was thought of at all.

A growing uncertainty in everything I once believed in took its toll. Feelings of inadequacy and failure were the norm... I saw myself giving up on so much without trying, and I felt even worse.

My own depression was not the worst of it. At the same time, a close family member was suffering from delusional mental illness. My family life was fraught with fear and paranoia, and the colossal chaos of it all was overwhelming.

I am grateful for some things. I was never suicidal. I had two friends who I could always turn to. I somehow managed to make it through my classes.

And with time came healing. Unexpected people helped in unexpected ways. Counselling sessions were abandoned, first because I found a job and later because I didn't need them anymore.

Life was looking up.

Around this time, I started writing my Bucket List.

This List is rather eclectic. To date I have accomplished a whopping three and a half items. But sandwiched between "hold a Harry Potter movie marathon" and "make it through university debt-free" is this:
  1. Visit space and experience weightlessness
    (long shot, maybe, but I’d love to.)
I was fascinated by astronomy when I was younger (still am, in fact.) But this was ridiculous. Unrealistic. Just a crazy dream. Balderdash. Bullpoo. Batcrap. So why is it on my Bucket List?

It's there because if I could do absolutely anything, I'd want to do it.

So what do you do when you're presented with a chance... even the TINIEST SMALLEST chance... to make your craziest dreams come true? DUH. YOU TAKE IT.

Last week I discovered that Metro News International is holding a contest. The winner will be one of the first-ever civilians to experience spaceflight.

I nearly went into shock. I've been thinking about this almost constantly ever since, but I haven't told anyone.

I am paralyzed by fear of failure.

The regional finalists are determined by votes. If I had an enormous horde of loyal followers, maybe I'd stand a chance. But I'm not Allie Brosh. I'm not Jenny Lawson. I'm Ellen. Just Ellen, a girl who would rather give up without trying if I think I might fail.

It's sadly laughable. If this were some random iPad contest: "OMG-like-us-on-Facebook-for-a-one-in-a-million-chance-to-win!!1!!11!!!" I'd have entered, no problem.

When you are:
a) facing a contest for something that would really matter to you, and
b) sick to your stomach with anxiety whenever you think about entering

...sometimes you can't help but ask: "What is wrong with me?"

I have nothing to lose but my fear.

I've lost count of all the things I've been too shy, too scared, or too unsure to do. The worst of it was last year, but it's an ongoing trend. I'll get SUPER-excited about something, have second thoughts, doubts, and then decide to forget it entirely. I've had my fair share of times where I've tried something crazy and failed dismally, which doesn't help.

I want to change this, this view I have of myself and the limitations I continually self-impose. Why not now?

But I can't let myself pull off a half-arsed attempt and say: "Ha! There. I entered and no one voted for me; big surprise. So much for that crap!"

And that is why I am sharing this EVERYWHERE, starting now. Here on my blog, Facebook, twitter, and with all the friends and family I can reach. It will mean the world to me if you click here and vote for my submission.

UPDATED: You can actually vote TEN TIMES every day; please do! If you spread the word and tell other people to vote, that would be Even-MORE-Amazing.

(If you believe in me that much, well... I wish I could send you flowers!!! I'll think of something.)

The simplest things in the world are often the hardest to do.

Today's post is the toughest thing I have ever written. This sounds dumb, but it's true.

Will I publish it? There's still time. No one knows about this. I can forget it and move on with my practical life. That's what's comfortable, natural and perfectly reasonable... but empty.

Because sometimes it doesn't matter if your chances of success are one in seven hundred...

...or one in seven BILLION.

As cliché as is sounds, sometimes trying is the scariest part.

Mar 9, 2012

How To Inject your Travel Photos with 300% More Awesome

Most people over-share their travel photos.

When I see your blog post with twenty, thirty, fifty random pictures of some random place that you visited and thought was amazing, I try REALLY hard to stay interested! I really do!

But it doesn't happen. At best, I might skim through half the list. :(

Some say that photos of people are more interesting. This might be true... but unless I know you really well, do you really think your random pictures of random places will be improved by adding faces of random people?

...yeahhhhhhhh — No.

A Week in Montreal, Quebec

I was recently lucky enough to spend a week visiting a close friend, terrorizing Montreal together and exuding general awesomeness. It was a fantastic trip and I'd like to share some of it... ideally, without boring any readers to tears.

Thing 1. Of the eight hundred pictures I took, I am sharing only seven.

Thing 2. Fish-People! (If this one needs explaining, scroll down.)

So without further ado, here are seven "photos" of my week-long reign of terror in Montreal.

Godzilla ain't got nothin' on this!


...why aren't you running? Why are you looking at me with disdain and impunity? Do you expect me to speak French? Oh. Right... you do. Darn Quebecers!


Monkeying around

I have no idea what building I'm climbing, but this is my King Kong impression. It could use a few more screaming people... and some explosions. Everything becomes more epic with random explosions!

When yoooou wish upoonn a staaaar...

The awe-inspiring interior of the Notre Dame Basilica. Is it just me or does it look a LOT like the Disney castle? I'm expecting Tinker Bell to fly out and shower me with glitter any moment now...

We watched a Sound and Light show here, presented in French and narrated by the maniacal "ghost" of the Basilica. MWAHAHAHA!!!

Let it snow!

Every winter Montreal creates a "Snow Village." It includes a restaurant, ice bar, arctic spas, igloos, an ice hotel, and overnight accommodations for 300! (YOU CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP IN AN IGLOO, PEOPLE.)

I'm standing in front of the "ice chapel," which can be booked for winter weddings. (Hope no one gets cold feet! *cue groans*)

Giant aspirations

Olympic-sized me, posing with Montreal's Olympic Tower! We didn't go inside though. There were more important things to do... like looking at penguins.

Nerd alert: Buckyballs!

My favourite building in all of Montreal! This dome-thing (currently a water ecosystems museum) was designed by architect R. Buckminster Fuller. Scientists would later name carbon nanospheres (fullerenes) after him because they looked like his designs.

TRIVIA: The metal dome structure was originally covered in acrylic panels, but in 1976 a massive fire destroyed the entire acrylic covering in 30 minutes! Epic old-time video footage here.

With a cherry on top

Last but not least, I can't talk about Montreal without mentioning the culinary scene! We visited a great little restaurant called Juliette & Chocolat, where I ate an ENORMOUS crêpe. Ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, raspberry syrup... and chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, their drinks menu alone had over twenty different types of hot chocolate. The fancier fare were described like fine wines... each claiming a subtle flavour infused into the cocoa from the dirt itself. The typical fare was there too. Mint hot chocolate? Got it. Peanut butter hot chocolate? Definitely. Fairy tears and angel dust hot chocolate? If such a thing exists, they're hoarding it in a back room somewhere.

And selling it on the black market, most likely. =P

*Translation: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! I WILL CRUSH YOU BENEATH MY FOOT! (Also, I have no real prejudice towards French-Québécois. Amour et licornes à tous!) ♥

A question for all my fellow doodle-bloggers and blogger-illustrators: have you ever drawn yourself into a photo?
If you decide to try it, please link up in the comments! :D

Feb 17, 2012

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 2 of 2)

What is the secret to a successful relationship?

Is it chocolate? Ice cream sundaes?

Laughing at each other's farts?

Is relationship compatibility something you can learn?

Learn all this and more in The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test: a fail-proof, fool-proof, EXPLOSION-proof guide to finding your soulmate. Read on to unravel the mysteries of Love and Romance!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

(In Part 1: Mutual Attraction, we learned how to tell if the guy/gal you stalk daily that special someone likes you back! The techniques learned in Part 1 are crucially important, so read that first if you missed it.)

PART 2. Determining Compatibility

People are puzzle pieces: some of us fit together and some don't.

...No, not like that! Jeez people, I have kid siblings who read this blog. Keep it PG, yo. ANYWAY. I will now explain how to measure your relationship compatibility using a handy (hurr hurr) analysis called the Puzzle Test.

Step 1: Fold your hands together and interlace the fingers. Make a note of which thumb is on top.

The top one is your dominant thumb and your bottom thumb is submissive. (Yes, har har. Shut up.) As a rule of thumb, a dominant right thumb matches a submissive left thumb, and a dominant left thumb matches a submissive right thumb.

Try interlacing your fingers with the other one on top. (If you don't find this extremely uncomfortable, something is wrong with you.) Now imagine the love of your life squishing your fingers together in that awkward position... FOREVER.


Step 2: While in the company of your special someone, deliberately fold your hands. As we discussed in Part 1, the person should instinctively copy your movement.

Step 3: Observe their folded hands and note the position of their thumbs relative to yours.

Scenario A: You and your S.O. match.


Cupcakes will fall from the sky! Penguins will serenade you with love songs! Sunsets will set with dazzling colours and clouds will form heart-shapes wherever you go! You will live happily ever after, have twenty children together, be reborn in the afterlife as unicorns and live happily ever after AGAIN.

(Enjoy hand-holding while you can, sucker! You can't even hold a hoof, so there!)

Scenario B: You and your S.O. are different.

Differing thumb preferences are entirely incompatible, and hand-holding will always be agony for one of you. Please join me in observing a moment of silence for your doomed relationship.


You have my heartfelt condolences.

What? You doubt my wisdom? It will never work, I tell you, and here is why:

Done properly, hand-holding is an enjoyable activity that gives everyone involved the warm fuzzies (or the sticky sweaties). It should not be difficult. Imagine yourself, now, with your special someone:

Rainbows shine from their nostrils and flowers sprout from their ears. They are beautiful! PERFECT! And — yes — THEY'RE WALKING THIS WAY. They flash you a dazzling smile and a sultry wink and you blink, blushing furiously. You look up to see them standing beside you, and as their fingers lovingly interlace with yours, your heart melts...

But alas, having your hand held contrary to its native thumb alignment is inter-digital agony. The torture leaves you unable to concentrate on anything... no, not even your partner's jewel-bright eyes or the melodic sound of their voice. You sit in silence, blood rushing through your ears, until you can bear it no longer.

Hesitant, you re-grasp their hand in an attempt to restore comfort. You hope that it might last a few minutes. Equality in hand-holding is a fundamental right! But all too soon, they "correct" your correction, putting you right back where you started.

This cycle might occur several times. Again and again they crush your hand and soul in blissful ignorance, and finally you give up. Your self esteem dies a slow, torturous death and you are never happy again.

PRO TIP: If you experience no problems when handholding but have not performed the Puzzle Test, beware! You may be doing the crushing!

Sometimes people with opposing thumb alignments are cursed with a double-share of selfish stubbornness. Hand-holding conflict increases exponentially and things get ugly VERY fast. Observe:

"Alright, we've done things her way for a while.
Time to switch things up here."

"Just WHAT does he think he's doing? Is the way
I hold hands not good enough for him?"

"Not again! Everything is ALWAYS about you, you, you;
it's high time
I had MY needs met in this relationship!"

"What an insensitive JERK. I bet he doesn't truly love ME at all,
he only wants me for my hands!!! Misogynistic PIG."

The situation quickly escalates into a full-scale thumb war of total destruction! Both of you will perish in a kaleidoscopic explosion, leaving behind a small crater of angst and sadness.


Have you ever had an awkward hand-holding experience? Share your story in the comments! And remember, if reading this made you smile, please share the love by sharing this post. Thanks!
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