Feb 13, 2012

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 1 of 2)

ATTENTION: all happy couples, not-so-happy couples, and those who wish they were coupled!

Are you in a relationship?

Do you want to be?

Do you wish there was some way to tell if the sweet, juicy, possibly-worm-infested apple of your eye is The One?


If the answer is YES, you're in luck! Just in time for Valentine's day this year, I am releasing a fail-proof, all-inclusive, Relationships-For-Dummies test that can tell you — yes, YOU — if your current, potential, or imaginary relationship is headed for boatloads of bliss or doomed to dismal failure.

Discover the secrets of the amorous mind! Learn how to demonstrate your affections with directness AND subtlety! Determine exactly what you're looking for and how to find it! Identify compatible beauties and win their undying love and admiration!

All this and more for a tiny, miniscule, one-time, EXTREMELY low fee of...

Drum roll please:
dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada...

One wooden nickel and a Facebook "Like."*

Enjoy!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

PART 1. Mutual Attraction

The first step to finding a valentine is finding someone who likes you. Everyone has experienced the supreme suckitude of unrequited love. It's pointless to waste your life longing for someone who's always out of reach.

You will become a grouchy old bat who hates children. Don't do it!

To find out if somebody likes you we will use a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. Have you ever played the children's game Simon Says? It's probably an ancient mating ritual. Anyway, when people are in love they will mindlessly copy the other person without even realizing it. Because PSYCHOLOGY. And SCIENCE.** Thusly, the following test is scientific† and totally guaranteed.‡

Step 1: While sitting or standing in a position visible to your target, make a deliberate movement such as crossing your legs or extending your nose hairs.

Subtlety is key! The action needs to be something your victim could end up doing by accident. YOU NEED TO INFILTRATE THEIR SUBCONSCIOUS, YO.

None of this, okay? YOU WILL FAIL AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT.

Step 2: Observe victim closely. VERY CLOSELY.

Scenario A: Victim copies your movement.

Success! You've already won their heart, you sexy thing, you.

But don't get your hopes too high! You still don't know if you are compatible. Come back later and learn the secret to a successful relationship in Part 2: Determining Compatibility.

Scenario B: Victim does nothing, does something else, or dies of boredom.

Sorry, they don't like you. Probably. ...Alright, we're only 99% sure.

To be absolutely certain, check your appearance. It's remotely possible that you have an enormous nose-pimple obscuring your face and your crush has mistaken you for a well-dressed mushroom.

This would be sort of adorable if you weren't missing half your face!

*Just kidding! You can keep that wooden nickel. But if you can spare a "Share," "Like," "Tweet" or "+1," that would be awesome. ♥

**The Author is not to be held liable for any resultant abuse of scientific principles.

Not really scientific.

Guaranteed to be inaccurate, that is.

Click here to read Part 2: Determining Compatibility!
(It has TWELVE pictures, making it three times better than this post.)

13 comments:

  1. I stood up and pulled my $%^&* out. She did not.

    No mirroring, but I'd be much more worried if she, um, whipped something out as well...

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  2. Oh man, I've caught myself copying your movements so many times it's not even funny!

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    Replies
    1. Ahahaha oh dear... I freaking wrote this and I haven't been paying attention at all!

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  3. If I had an SO, I'd so do this test. But I'm not allowed to date, and I don't have a crush on anyone, soooo...

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    Replies
    1. Try random people then! What if you have a secret stalker? *eerie music* @.@ Anyway, this test could help you find out. =P

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  4. This totally does not work I have been standing in front of my husband, pulling faces and making strange movements. All I got from him was, "Have you been drinking wine?"

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  5. hahahaha this was so awesome!! I loved the Lily and Snape reference!

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it! As for myself, I currently have about 5 holds at the library for books you've reviewed... :)

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  6. @Brandon and @Vivian: please refer to Step 1, paragraph 2 and also figure 3.

    P.S. You guys are hilarious. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

      Delete
  8. Great post...being single, not sure I can relate fully to it at this time...but great post nonetheless :-)

    ReplyDelete

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