Feb 17, 2012

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 2 of 2)

What is the secret to a successful relationship?

Is it chocolate? Ice cream sundaes?

Laughing at each other's farts?

Is relationship compatibility something you can learn?

Learn all this and more in The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test: a fail-proof, fool-proof, EXPLOSION-proof guide to finding your soulmate. Read on to unravel the mysteries of Love and Romance!


The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!
Presented in Two Parts

(In Part 1: Mutual Attraction, we learned how to tell if the guy/gal you stalk daily that special someone likes you back! The techniques learned in Part 1 are crucially important, so read that first if you missed it.)

PART 2. Determining Compatibility

People are puzzle pieces: some of us fit together and some don't.

...No, not like that! Jeez people, I have kid siblings who read this blog. Keep it PG, yo. ANYWAY. I will now explain how to measure your relationship compatibility using a handy (hurr hurr) analysis called the Puzzle Test.

Step 1: Fold your hands together and interlace the fingers. Make a note of which thumb is on top.


The top one is your dominant thumb and your bottom thumb is submissive. (Yes, har har. Shut up.) As a rule of thumb, a dominant right thumb matches a submissive left thumb, and a dominant left thumb matches a submissive right thumb.

Try interlacing your fingers with the other one on top. (If you don't find this extremely uncomfortable, something is wrong with you.) Now imagine the love of your life squishing your fingers together in that awkward position... FOREVER.

NO. DO NOT WANT!

Step 2: While in the company of your special someone, deliberately fold your hands. As we discussed in Part 1, the person should instinctively copy your movement.

Step 3: Observe their folded hands and note the position of their thumbs relative to yours.


Scenario A: You and your S.O. match.

REJOICE, FOR THE FATES HAVE ALIGNED!

Cupcakes will fall from the sky! Penguins will serenade you with love songs! Sunsets will set with dazzling colours and clouds will form heart-shapes wherever you go! You will live happily ever after, have twenty children together, be reborn in the afterlife as unicorns and live happily ever after AGAIN.

(Enjoy hand-holding while you can, sucker! You can't even hold a hoof, so there!)

Scenario B: You and your S.O. are different.

Differing thumb preferences are entirely incompatible, and hand-holding will always be agony for one of you. Please join me in observing a moment of silence for your doomed relationship.

...
...
...

You have my heartfelt condolences.

What? You doubt my wisdom? It will never work, I tell you, and here is why:

Done properly, hand-holding is an enjoyable activity that gives everyone involved the warm fuzzies (or the sticky sweaties). It should not be difficult. Imagine yourself, now, with your special someone:

Rainbows shine from their nostrils and flowers sprout from their ears. They are beautiful! PERFECT! And — yes — THEY'RE WALKING THIS WAY. They flash you a dazzling smile and a sultry wink and you blink, blushing furiously. You look up to see them standing beside you, and as their fingers lovingly interlace with yours, your heart melts...

But alas, having your hand held contrary to its native thumb alignment is inter-digital agony. The torture leaves you unable to concentrate on anything... no, not even your partner's jewel-bright eyes or the melodic sound of their voice. You sit in silence, blood rushing through your ears, until you can bear it no longer.


Hesitant, you re-grasp their hand in an attempt to restore comfort. You hope that it might last a few minutes. Equality in hand-holding is a fundamental right! But all too soon, they "correct" your correction, putting you right back where you started.


This cycle might occur several times. Again and again they crush your hand and soul in blissful ignorance, and finally you give up. Your self esteem dies a slow, torturous death and you are never happy again.


PRO TIP: If you experience no problems when handholding but have not performed the Puzzle Test, beware! You may be doing the crushing!

Sometimes people with opposing thumb alignments are cursed with a double-share of selfish stubbornness. Hand-holding conflict increases exponentially and things get ugly VERY fast. Observe:

"Alright, we've done things her way for a while.
Time to switch things up here."

"Just WHAT does he think he's doing? Is the way
I hold hands not good enough for him?"

"Not again! Everything is ALWAYS about you, you, you;
it's high time
I had MY needs met in this relationship!"

"What an insensitive JERK. I bet he doesn't truly love ME at all,
he only wants me for my hands!!! Misogynistic PIG."


The situation quickly escalates into a full-scale thumb war of total destruction! Both of you will perish in a kaleidoscopic explosion, leaving behind a small crater of angst and sadness.


YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Have you ever had an awkward hand-holding experience? Share your story in the comments! And remember, if reading this made you smile, please share the love by sharing this post. Thanks!

42 comments:

  1. ...What about people who lost their thumbs due to leprosy or a war?

    Or one of those office slice-y thingamajigs?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm. Uhhh, I suppose they could look at their other fingers and extrapolate from there?

      If they've lost all their fingers they probably have bigger hand-holding problems than thumb dominance. >.<

      Delete
  2. Love is totally about laughing at each other's farts.

    Wow I never knew hand-holding was that important in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH NO OH NO SOMEONE HAS BLOWN THE COVER ON THE SECRET MESSAGE ALERT ALERT ALERT
      ...

      You know, all joking aside, sometimes I think love is just about laughing, period. :)

      Delete
  3. Now my husband is really going to give THE LOOK if I tell him we have to start holding hands. At least he has not viewed the diagram so I can make sure I have the dominant thumb and I will be the queen of the castle, ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Awesome part II! I love the thing about the unfortunate side effects of being reborn as a unicorn...

    In the first all-italics paragraph, you have "beside right you"... I assume that's a typo?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my goodness, this is hilarious. =D
    I don't have any hand holding experiences, although I did just run to my Mum and grab her hand to see if we're compatible...she gave me a look. Ha ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love holding hands! Luckily my boyfriend and I are hand-holding compatible. But the un-compatible people don't have to end their relationship in fiery thumb-war doom. They can just hold hands with each person having all of their fingers together. It's not quite as satisfying, but it's better than fiery hand-holding death.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, but where's the excitement in that? ;D

      True enough for some. Although I don't know about you, but even without fingers interlaced my left hand still kicks up a MAJOR fuss! My right is pretty chill though.

      Delete
  7. This post would be a gajillion times hilarious (and informative!) on its own, but the picture enhance the awesomeness by triple B mega-illion! Ma'am, I congratulate you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see your triple B mega-illion and raise you a purplatypillion! A MILLION PURPLE PLATYPUSES, THAT IS.

      Thanks! :D

      Delete
  8. I spent a long time experimenting with my hands whilst reading that post. Lol that sounded wrong but you get what I mean. I shall be trying Part 1 sometime soon..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bwahahahahaha ohh man... good luck! (Please don't sue me if it fails) LOL.

      Delete
  9. Hmm, I'll have to try this one with Kirsty later. Although, even if we fail and explode, I reckon our continual success with ice-cream and fart-laughing will see us through.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What I really want to know is how you got all those pictures of my ex girlfriend and I without our noticing. Cheers to you. I wish I'd had this info about two years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! So is that you with the spiked/bleached hair, or are you the downtrodden blond? :D

      Delete
  11. I used to take my ex-boyfriend's hand and he would let go. That would drive me nuts! I guess that was a good enough sign...

    Great pics! I feel so low on the drawing scale compared to you:/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking as someone who was once the hand-dropper, that's a sign of problems for sure! =P

      And thank you! No need to feel bad though!! ALL illustrated blogs are amazing and SO much more fun to read. Doodle bloggers, unite!

      Delete
  12. Oh my gosh, different take on holding hands, might explain why when dating he would only hold my hand, not let me hold his, strange.

    I am stopping by from Wild Weekend Hop, I hope you can follow mine as well . Stop by for the Win A Bundle Weekend!! Oh! My Heartsie Oh! My Heartsie
    Thanks have a great day! Karren

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahaha maybe so, who knows?

      In all honesty, hand-holding incompatibility isn't such a big deal... but a lack of communication is... whether it's in handholding or something else!

      Delete
  13. Interesting stuff! Now I will be analyzing hand holding all the time. Thanks for linking up for the weekend hop!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for hosting! I found some great blogs.

      Delete
  14. Fun blog, Ellen! :) Just stopping by from the Blog Hop...come visit us too! Kim & Jen
    http://freefamilyfunactivities.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Come on Ellen we are waiting for part 3 I have been having so much fun befuddling my husband with all your wonderful relationship advice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! I haven't got a part 3 planned for this, but I'll post something new soon!

      Delete
  16. Baha! There were so many things I loved about this post it's making my head explode. I can't wait until the husband comes home so we can perform this test. However, I'm conflicted about what I want the results to be. I, of course, want cupcakes to fall from the sky and being serenaded by penguins is a dream come true but I'm really not enthusiastic about the whole twenty kids thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no need to worry, some of those 20 kids are probably unicorn foals! No diaper-changing needed; those beauties poo rainbows. :P

      P.S. Record the penguin songs and play them backwards to hear a secret message!

      Delete
  17. THIS EXPLAINS WHY MY BOYFRIENDS ALWAYS EXPLODE! (You know, all my many boyfriends who are totally real.) Thank goodness the mystery is finally solved.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What if I'm ambidextrous and I don't have a dominant hand? Does that mean I have low standards and would pair well with anyone, or that I'll never find happiness and I'll be forever alone?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmm. Your position has ups and downs:

      Pros: Wider dating pool; 83% reduction to risk of mutual spontaneous combustion.

      Cons: Loss of validity for the infallible "litmus test" of relationship compatibility. You'll be on your own when it comes to avoiding the Crazy Ones!

      Delete
  19. I absolutely love your illustrations! They always make me laugh! I think this one is my favorite so far! Thanks Ellen! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awwwww, thanks! ^^ I think this post might be my favourite too... but I always worry a bit about being able to outdo myself and continuously improve, you know?

      I'm so glad you enjoy what I've done! :D

      Delete

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