...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.
At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.
I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.
With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.
This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.
Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.
I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.
Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!
The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.
Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close
I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...
Peed ALL over them.
I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.
She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.
This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."
The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.
Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.
Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!