Jan 30, 2012

Procrastination: A History

I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember.

...And that statement is 100% literal. What follows is actually my earliest childhood memory: a tragic tale of one part incontinence, two parts procrastination and three parts dismal failure.

At no more than three years of age, I was literate at a grade 8+ level and thoroughly potty-trained. But one day I found myself too engrossed in play to listen to nature's calls.

I was sitting in the family room at the time, happily constructing a tower. It had been a year since my last accident and I was quite capable of holding my own urine, thank you very much. But LEGOs were much more interesting than my stupid bladder; nature could go piss itself 'cause I wasn't going to.

With each warning of impending leakage, I thought: "I'll just place a couple more blocks. Then I'll go." I figured I could hold off for... oh, at least another ten minutes. I was doing Important Things and I needed to finish them.

This doomed rationale continued far, far longer than it should have.

Finally the moment came when pure instinct took over.


I could not wait a minute longer — I had to go, NOW.

Fearing the worst, I jumped to my feet and booked it down the hallway. It would be close, but I was going to make it! I still had time!

The distance to the toilet was a mere 20 feet, but I fought for every inch.


Tiny legs churning furiously, I dashed into the bathroom with seconds to spare. I didn't bother to close the door behind me, but by golly, I had done it! I was home free! Relief was so close I could taste it! (No wait. Eww.)

I threw up the lid of the toilet, whipped down my pants and...

Peed ALL over them.

Naturally, these purple pants were invisible prior to removal.

I was a mess. Enter on cue my dear mother, who cleaned me up and consoled my traumatized self.

She has no memory of any of this, but it has stayed with me for 16 long years. I should have learned a lesson here, but I think only my bladder muscles have gained any self-control.

This still happens so often — with schoolwork, catching the next bus and neglecting to stir my morning oatmeal as it cooks — that I've even named it the "Peed Pants Phenomenon."

The Peed Pants Phenomenon:
A form of non-functional procrastination where a task is put off just barely past the point of catastrophe; right up until the deadline actually occurs, the victim firmly believes that he or she can still make it on time.

Thankfully, I've never suffered a relapse involving urine.

Have you ever peed your pants, literally or figuratively? Share your story in the comments!

25 comments:

  1. I've never peed my pants, not even figuratively. Which is crazy since I am a hardcore procrastinator but I always manage to get things done right before I need to.

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  2. Oh, god, peeing your pants is the WORST. It seems to me it's the start of some pretty major bad habits for everyone. (Well, actually, probably just you and me. My first lie was when I peed in my pants and...well, lied about it.)

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    1. I read that post of yours! :D It was one of the things which finally inspired me to get going on this one, even though I'd been planning on writing it for months.

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    2. Whoa, really? That's awesome! :) I feel honored. :D

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  3. I peed on my pants, my bed, and my grandma when I was 5. I was dreaming about an overflowing toilet one midnight when I woke up to my soaked grandmother's scolding.

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    1. That is something! Now I'm trying to figure out how you managed to pee on all of those at once... o.O

      [Wheeeee! I finally sorted out threaded comment functionality! *self-congratulatory pat* I'm having too much fun with this...]

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  4. lol - awesome dude. It's good to have you back blogging. I missed it!

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  5. Awesome post! I peed my pants in the middle of a school assembly when I was about 7 or 8. One of the teacher's was reading a bit of a book and I was too scared too ask to go to the toilet. I couldn't hold it and a puddle started to form.

    Well that's my pee story!

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    1. Awwww I can sympathize... as a terribly shy child, having to ask a teacher for permission to use the washroom was ALWAYS nerve-wracking, lol.

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  6. I didn't have such amazing thing like Lego, so I always do it just in time. Arh, wait a minute... Once I had a dream that I'm peeing in a toilet... so... as you can guess it was not only a dream. It was so mean trick on the part of my mind, I didn't expect it.

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  7. I'm so bad with procrastination it's unreal.
    By the way, I've tagged you in this question game thing on my blog. It's quite fun, you should check it out if you're bored!

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    1. Thanks Alice!
      I generally don't do bloggy-taggy-pass-it-on-post type of things, but I'll be happy to mosey on over to your blog and answer the 11 questions!

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  8. YAY! You finally posted this blog. Way to procrastinate Ellen!

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  9. Great post! I enjoyed reading...you are very talented. Keep it up!
    Tracie
    crackyouwhip.com

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    1. Thanks, I will! It's always lovely to find new doodle bloggers, glad you stopped by!

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  10. It's sad, because I too did this.

    But you were three. I was 8. And it wasn't pee.

    I was at the country club w/ my parents. They had an arcade area, and the restrooms there were out of order. I had to go, but I was doing SO WELL on the pinball machine I was playing.

    I would have broken the high score... if we didn't have Chili for lunch...

    Love your blog, by the way!
    Brandon @ My Own Private Idaho

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    1. Woah, epic mis-procrastination!
      I think I've just been thoroughly outdone... eww. @_@

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  11. I peed myself out of fear when I was 4 while visiting Disneyland. Halfway through It's a Small World.

    Is it strange that I look forward to peeing in my pants as an old lady? I feel like by then I will have earned it!

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    1. Haha! That's one way to look at it.

      Personally, I would be frickin' annoyed. Part of me looks forward to menopause I'll admit — YAY no periods! — but it feels like incontinence would set me back to worrying about pads and things all over again! No thank you! =P

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  12. I pee my pants literally and figuratively on a daily basis. Wait. I only peed literally once. When I was about five I had a similar situation where I just kept putting off my pee because I was so busy collecting rocks. I just kept ignoring my bladder until eventually I lost control.

    Figuratively? Welp. I have a paper due in a few hours and I'm currently reading your blog. I see an "A" in my near future...

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    Replies
    1. We should start a support group! For the figurative bed-wetters.

      ...tomorrow, of course. :D

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